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Friday, September 08, 2017 by Wade
The gays have been using the internet to get laid since AOL launched chat rooms to Friendster, but with Craigslist and Manhunt ruining their formulas, what is a homo with a hard-on to do now? What's next for easily-available ass?
For the gays, the usefulness of any technology has always been measured on how it will help them get laid. Craigslist has slowed down cruising by forcing people to enter those stupid loopy words every time you want to respond to an m4m ad. Manhunt is about to roll out extensive changes. It's getting harder to find homo hookups online. Where should gays go to find sex so their not roaming the streets like a pack of cock-hungry zombies? Or should we just find the right girl, settle down, have some kids, move to Cobble Hill, and commit suicide 20 years later because we're unfulfilled?
Manhunt: The most popular virtual bathhouse, this is still the place to go for one-stop shopping for sloppy seconds. But remember how well the "new Facebook" went? Imagine similar (but even cattier) sentiments when they change their format later this month. We got an advanced look at it (thanks to a lonely night in a European capital—don't ask), and it's not amazing.
Who You'll Find Online: Just about every gay with an internet connection
Why It Will Catch On: The new design makes reading mail and seeing your friends easier. Also, it's where the boys are.
Why It Sucks: The searches are harder than ever. And this is it's first major overhaul since 2002 and basically all they did was change the color scheme, reorganized the homepage, and add "cock size" as a category. We expect more.
Celeb You Might Accidentally Cruise: Lance Bass
Craigslist: The "Penny Saver of dick" (as Margaret Cho calls it) has always been free and easy, if not full of trolls.
Who You'll Find Online: Trolls, meth addicts, and "Str8 guys."
Why It Will Catch On: It offers every insane fetish you could possibly imagine and a ton of anonymity.
Why It Sucks: Now, to respond to every ad, you have to answer one of those annoying questions that prevent spammers. It provides uneven returns. And, it's full of trolls.
Celeb You Might Accidentally Cruise: Larry Craig
Grindr: This iPhone app locates other users close to you so that you two can meet on a street corner before getting it on.
Who You'll Find Online: Urban gays with iPhones.
Why It Will Catch On: The gays are early adopters and love playing with gadgets. Also, it's easier to travel down the block to meet a guy than across town. Also, have you seen Guys with iPhones [NSFW]? If these are the 'mos using it, sign us up!
Why It Sucks: Not enough people yet. If it can't get the boys laid, they'll go back to Manhunt and Grindr will be as effective as a vibrator with dead batteries.
Celeb You Might Accidentally Cruise: Neil Patrick Harris
Adam4Adam: This is a burgeoning free service that survives on advertising (mostly of the porn variety) rather than subscriptions.
Who You'll Find Online: Those too cheap or poor to pay for a cruising website.
Why It Will Catch On: The economy has melted and no one has a job.
Why It Sucks: You get what you pay for, and in this case, you'll be paying a copay for that rash you have in the morning. Oh, and the orange and brown color-scheme looks like a 1970s kitchen gone awry.
Celeb You Might Accidentally Cruise: Bobby Trendy
Atomic Men: This West Coast-based site is pushing a big relaunch. Then again, so are some American car companies, and we're skeptical about that too.
Who You'll Find Online: Guys in LA who have worked through everyone on Manhunt.
Why It Will Catch On: Hmm...all the other hook up sites have died?
Why It Sucks: It's ugly, there aren't enough guys, it's confusing, and you have to pay for it. At least Adam4Adam is disgusting and free.
Celeb You Might Accidently Cruise: Perez Hilton