Different, but scares online dating great MILF ass

Sunday, December 17, 2017 by Manyi

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Dear Christie,
I’ve been reading your books (and have many other dating advice in the last few years) but there’s one thing I don’t seem to find anyone mentioning.

With online dating, the first date is the first time both sides meet. The advice says that if he sends that “Nice to meet you but…” text afterwards, move on. I’ve been happy and confident with myself to do that in the past.

But two weekends ago, I had another first date and not only did I really like this guy, but two things happened. First, I was so taken aback inside myself at how much I liked him that I got very shy and couldn’t flirt (and all the usual good stuff). Second, perhaps more so as a female, I am careful (cautious?) on first dates. If I feel I like the guy, then the second date is where I can let my side of the chemistry spark and show my attraction.

So what happens when the female needs that second date to safely show her attraction , but he has eliminated the chance with his immediate decision. I’m re-reading your book, “Its Not Him, It’s YOU” book this week, and I find myself searching for this question, but everyone always skims over it.

Would love to hear your thoughts.

Candice

Hi Candice,

Thank you for allowing me to post your question here. Your question brings up several important issues, some of which have been brought up by other commenters. So let’s discuss this.

Online dating is tricky in and of itself. First online dates are especially tricky because despite any previous email or phone exchanges, you’re really meeting a complete stranger for the first time. The amount of pressure and expectations people put on this first “date” is substantial. People began to develop an impression or idea of who someone is based on their interactions, just to find that the actual person isn’t quite what they’d imagined. When you add the discomfort of being out of your comfort zone and the awkwardness of trying to “date” a stranger, it’s amazing online that dating produces any relationships!

One issue we’ve discussed at length here is what it takes to turn a first date into a second one. Men in particular have felt like they had a connection with a woman who, afterward, said she liked him but didn’t feel “chemistry.” As you show us, this phenomenon doesn’t just happen to men.

This brings up the issue of: how much chemistry should one expect on a first online date? In conventional dating, you expect at least some. But when dating online, it’s far more challenging to feel chemistry with a total stranger, especially when you’re female. So I always tell people that if you like the person but aren’t sure if there’s chemistry yet, give it another date or two.

So on to your question. You experienced something all online daters hope for when they meet in person: you were attracted to this guy. And, as a result, you felt shy around him and didn’t flirt as much. I know many people, including me, can relate to that phenomenon as well. And you’re concerned whether that prevented you from showing the signs of interest that would encourage him and get you that second date.

I can tell you right now that you will get many different opinions on this. Here’s mine:

Is it possible he didn’t ask you out again because you were nervous? Sure. It’s possible. But I think it’s unlikely. When someone feels attraction, they give off nonverbal signals. Unless he’s a terrible people reader, he would have picked up on some of them, despite your shyness. More importantly, unless a man is really lacking in confidence and needs to be pummeled with obvious signs of interest, most men will take a chance and ask for another date if they’re interested at all.

In a nutshell, it sounds like, for whatever reason, you just weren’t his type. I know – it’s really disappointing. But at its most basic, that’s what dating (and especially online dating) is: you’re not interested, or he’s not interested, until you find that rare situation in which you’re both interested. In conventional dating, mutual interest happens a lot more because people only go on a date if they’re already interested. Online, you go out to SEE if you’re interested, which means there will be a lot of first dates that go nowhere.

And, for what it’s worth, the right guy will still like you even if you feel shy, inhibited, or nervous in his presence. But if you’re ever in doubt, it never hurts to toss out a compliment and/or say “I had a great time.” Even the most shy, flirt-challenged woman can do that and any man will get the hint.

Online dating is a marathon, Candice! Keep running until you get to that finish line! Best of luck to you!

Christie

 

Resources

Christie’s Books

Online Dating archive

Dating and Relationships Archive

http://christiehartman.com/online-dating-can-shyness-on-a-first-date-scare-men-away/